What I need is to remember how it is to rule alone.
It doesn’t mean that I want to. I don’t want to have to need another person to be that strength behind the throne. I need to not feel neglected if my consort or husband or lover is not there whenever I feel the desire to pick their brain for another perspective. To look at me, you would probably swear that I would never ‘need’ any of that anyway.
Yes, I have been alone. I took the throne alone and I did rule alone for a very long time. And then somewhere along the way I let myself believe that it didn’t have to be just me alone. I conned myself into the thought that there would always be someone to offer me a brandy and a kind word when I had to make a late night decision that affected thousands or even millions. I have relished the praise of a loved one whose
eyes eye glittered nearly as much as mine did when I was covered head to toe in the blood of an enemy I had slain. It was not only that I had done well, but I had done well and they were glad of it and they did not cower in fear at my feet at such a grisly sight. It made me more drunk than even the highest proof Sidhe mead ever did and it made us both drunk with desire.
That is what I ‘need’.
I have determined that I will neither bury nor divorce another husband. I have made the conscious decision that if my consort decides that he would rather hunt the evening into the next two weeks or month without nary sending a word, I will think it of no consequence. Would I miss them? Of course. Part of me is human after all. That part can starve itself of interaction from others. Believe it or not it is the Fae part that craves it far more. Humans barely understand that the Fae love (and hate) more fiercely than most can possibly imagine. Most tend to think that we simply ‘get over it’ when we are insulted or lonely or hurt. I promise you…we don’t. We remember, we keep score, we save it up and we take out the whole of our frustrations at a later time. If you are lucky we might not heap on imagined insults and slights on top of what happened in reality. We have memories that span the whole of our immortal lives and our vendettas can last for centuries. We are not always pleasant or nice. We don’t need to be.
But in the interests of maintaining control and a close handle on power, I need to keep my wits about me and never forget who and what I am.
cross posted to